I saw nothing
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Warm pools make me nervous.