how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Banking tips
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want