If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen