Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
🤣😈🤣
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
RT if you know someone like this!!!
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.