The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Hell yeah 👍
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos