Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Always 🥴
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.