#parenting
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra