I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
584.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…