when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity