At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line