Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My god she’s good.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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