Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Not all heroes wear capes…
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??