“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam