first you must answer his riddles
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
This was a bad idea all around
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.