[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
he looks great for his age
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
this makes me so uncomfortable
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is