Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back