rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
You Might Also Like
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.