-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?