But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.