Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂