Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”