What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’