When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You Might Also Like
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie