normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco