Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
incredible
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind