Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*