I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I bet birds love this building.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”