I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Got ya covered
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.