Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
me adding lol on a serious message
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes