(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
You Might Also Like
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though