With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Feels
just got my engagement photos