How do dragons blow out candles?
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.