My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
You Might Also Like
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
whatcha thinkin bout
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*