one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Ah..makes sense now
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight