Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.