I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..