I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Nice try Hitler
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.