THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
welcome back
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys