Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.