My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.