(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
then why did i get this email
I’m literally crying
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.