“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/