Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Seas the day!!!!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
that wasn’t the question
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.