saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Choose your fighter
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I feel seen.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell