Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
This is my brand.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I was just discussing this with my cat
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.