Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
c’mon!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’ve been learning to cook.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings