Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.