6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.