The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance