If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
yeah not falling for this one
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“No way.” -Jose
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose